Lets all laugh at Stampy G

Since they have an Alternative League table, I decided to have a go at Stampy G's Alternative PES Stats:

TECHNIQUE
Attack: Take no prisoners
Defence: Evidence against
Header Accuracy: Brainless
Dribble Accuracy: Weasel
Short Pass Accuracy: Data missing
Short Pass Speed: See above
Long Pass Accuracy: Diagonal-alley once
Long Pass Speed: John Barnes
Shot Accuracy: 100% success
Place Kicking: Anfield pit
Swerve: Deviant enough
Ball Control: King Kenny
Goal Keeping Skills: Data missing
Weak Foot Accuracy: Herrera stamp
Weak Foot Frequency: Once is good enough

SPEED
Response: Why always me?
Explosive Power: Eyebrows up, shoulders in
Dribble Speed: Fox Mulder
Top Speed: You'll never walk alone in '45 seconds

PHYSICAL
Body Balance: Stood alone against the lot
Stamina: Prison break
Kicking Power: Studs in the meat
Jump: Stamps effectively without it
Injury Tolerance: Doesn't tolerate injured ones

RESISTANCE
Attack Awareness: Always looking to
Defence Awareness: As soon as found guilty
Form: Shit
Tenacity: Don't ever apologize to the victim
Teamwork: Suffers

Any suggestions for a more accurate stats are welcomed and in a purpose of a more quality of the game itself. Thank you in advance for your contributions.